The Martin Vousden column…
Thought for the Day:
If you’re against demonstrating, how do you show it?
Tighter than a duck’s backside
You may have noticed a brief news item a few weeks ago, reporting that Tiger Woods has become the first ever sportsman or woman to earn $1 billion in their career. It struck me in particular because Tiger has the reputation of being one of the meanest people you could meet – he only opens his wallet to give the moths a bit of air – and not for the first time I wondered: How much is enough? Once you have more money than anyone could reasonably expect to spend in a lifetime of even the most extravagant excess, why would you try and duck out of buying your round?
Butch Harmon says that if Tiger ever broke down in Los Angeles, he’d never get a car to come pick him up because he’s stiffed just about every limo driver in the city for a tip at some time or other. Butch also remembers Tiger’s first win as a pro, the 1996 Las Vegas International. As you might imagine, a tournament winner faces a varied selection of official duties, such as doing live TV interviews, a media centre press conference, and posing for numerous photos, some with the trophy, which will be used in promotional material for the following year’s event, and some with marshals, scoreboard keepers and the many other volunteers on whom a pro golf tournament depends.
Competitors who last all four days also make a point of tipping the many clubhouse workers who have served them during the week, such as bar staff and locker room attendants, and it is a welcome tradition that the winner tips a bit more generously than anyone else. Knowing this, and realising that they would be on a tight schedule to make the airport in time for their flight, Butch said, in essence: ‘You go and do your stuff and I’ll tip the staff – we can settle up later.’ Butch duly and diligently went round the clubhouse, giving $100 tips to all those who had met the needs of Tiger and the other competitors during the week. Eventually Tiger was free to leave and, as he and his coach rode in the limo to the airport, Butch told the new champion how much he had shelled out on his behalf, and therefore how much he was owed.
Butch always finishes the story with the words: ‘And I’m still waiting to be paid.’
Latest research
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
This means that golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.
If there is a god of golf, She has a perverse sense of humour
Golf is not a game of perfection but it does offer the opportunity of the perfect moment, in the shape of a hole-in-one. I’m not talking about the scuffed iron or fairway wood that comes off the bottom of the club and rolls onto the green, or the miserable fluke that bounces off a telegraph pole before diving into the cup. No, for it to count, and make you feel proud, it has to be a well-struck shot; one of those that looks and feels good the moment it leaves the clubface, so that you stand posing in your follow-through for as long as possible.
So when you next stand on the tee of a par three hole, wondering if today might just be the occasion when it all comes together, remember an incident that occurred at Walsall’s fourth hole in May 1950. The cup of the 182-yard hole was not visible, concealed by bunkers. Two golfers in a club competition put their tee shots onto the green and then discovered one ball in the hole and one nearby. But the balls were of the same make and number and neither player had marked them, so it was impossible to determine which was which. The players had to assume the balls lost and return to the tee.
I’m one of those people who find a lot of golf balls, and I am still regularly surprised at how many of them have no markings.
Afterthought
One other thing has always puzzled me about holes-in-one. If you were in a fourball and on a par three hole stuck your shot to within two feet of the flagstick, the others in your group would say: ‘Good shot’. If, however, the ball rolled an extra 24 inches and fell into the cup for an ace, they’d say: ‘You lucky bastard!’ (your friends may be more polite, but that’s what mine would say).
I have never really understood why this should be so and yet, some time ago when I edited a golf magazine, I conducted some research, asking golfers if they thought a hole-in-one was primarily down to luck or skill. More than 70% said ‘luck’. But it takes skill to swing a golf club in such a way as to get the ball near a hole which is anything between 100 and 250 yards away. So if you attempt it several thousand times in your life, and finally achieve your ambition, isn’t that cause for celebration rather than derision?
Only in America
This lovely (the one on the left, I mean) is a T-Mate, and is part of the package of services on offer at Rio Secco GC, a public course in Las Vegas. She is one of several young women and men who will ‘serve as your golf concierge and host/hostess during your round.’
The service will cost you $200 – which I presume is just for one T-Mate but then again, nothing of value ever came cheaply. I just hope she moves before that golfer takes his backswing, otherwise her smile will not be quite so fulsome next time.
Quote of the week
I’m the best [golfer], I just haven’t played yet.
Muhammad Ali