The Laws of Golf, according to Martin Vousden

Thought for the Day
People who believe in a sixth sense do so because they have taken leave of the other five

Between them the R&A and USGA have absolute authority in producing and revising the Rules of Golf, by which we abide or not according to conscience. Then there are the Laws of Golf, which we are all obliged to follow, no matter how much it hurts

1. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls

4. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the fourball ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

8. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip

9. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat also lie

10. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot

11. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck

12. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt – for an eight

13. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut

14. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

15. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away

16. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree

17. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it

18. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time

19. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age

20. The game of golf is 90% mental. The other 10% is mental

21. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three

22. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again

23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe

24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay-up just short of a water hazard

25. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; ie, back-swing 20 mph, handicap 20 , downswing = 400 mph

26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove

27. Hazards attract, fairways repel

28. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

Quote of the Week
I have only one goal in golf – to leave it with my sanity
Joe Inman

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