Thought for the Day.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so they can tell when they’re really in trouble.
Getting it right
On a recent long, lonely drive home after playing golf at the frighteningly abysmal standard to which I can sometimes sink, I started to think about all the things that can go wrong during our pathetic attempts to hit a golf ball. I mean, just consider the way we hold the club – our grip can be too strong or weak, too tight or light; or we can lose control at the top and have to re-grip during the swing. We then move on to considering stance, alignment, posture and weight distribution And all of this has to be perfected while we’re standing completely still.
Having at this point exercised more care than that shown by a man with haemorrhoids wiping his bottom, we can then consider that crucial first move of clubhead away from the ball. Over the years I have been advised (by the succession of luckless PGA pros I have consulted in the last three decades) to start the backswing with my left shoulder, my right hand, my left hand, a slight forward press of the club, a sensation of shifting my weight fractionally to the inside of my right knee, a slight rolling inwards of the left foot, and a minimal turn to the right of my head.
There then follows the full swing, which involves just about every muscle in the body (if you do it right), working, in apparent smooth co-operation and synchronicity, to deliver the centre of a small clubface, to the centre of an ever smaller golf ball, at a speed in excess of 80mph, with only a fractional margin of error. And if you achieve all that, you then have a short walk before trying to do it all over again.
The miracle is not that we occasionally manage to play well, but that we manage to play at all.
Acting professionally
Ernie Els said last week, when he was leader of the WGC CA Championship after 36 holes: ‘I’ve been working really hard for several days… Basically, the ball position gets out of whack, then my posture gets out of whack, and then my alignment, and those are the three fundamentals you need to get right.
‘After playing professional golf for 20 years, you should kind of figure out your own swing.’
I hope this has been absorbed by all those women golfers – sorry, ‘Ladies’ – who spend more time than it takes a glacier to form, getting themselves lined up by their caddies.
Death wish?
Speaking of caddies, last summer I heard a couple of stories about caddies in Scotland that made me smile. As you will know, the topped screamer that never gets above knee height but goes a fair distance is called a Sally Gunnell, or ugly runner (which I have always thought did Ms Gunnell a disservice, as there are far less attractive athletes than her around). The Scottish equivalent is a Liz McColgan, a distance athlete who enjoyed her best years in the late 80s and early 90s. Last year a fourball was playing a famous Scottish course and when of their number hit a grass-burner the caddy said: ‘Aye, that’s what we call a Liz McColgan.’
A second member of the fourball said: ‘I’m her husband.’
In another incident a group of Americans wondered if it was safe to hit because some green-keeping staff were on the fairway. A caddy’s way of telling them it was okay was to say: ‘You’re fine to play, they’re only Mexicans.’
One of the Americans said: ‘My wife is Mexican,’ and without missing a beat the caddy replied: ‘Does she want a job?’
Quote of the week
Most people play a fair game of golf – if you watch them
John Adams