Thought for the Day
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco
A sad case
If you are anything like me – and I hope for your sake that you are not – you will, by now, be developing the twitchy-fingered, restless fidgetiness that is indicative of the golfer who cannot golf. In most of the UK snow has been laying for at least a fortnight, which means that we can’t even hit balls at the range, and in my experience the two to three week mark is when the symptoms of NoGoSy (No Golf Syndrome) Extremis set in. It starts with a bout of TV remote control mania, as you channel-hop in search of golf, any golf, on television. Right now you would settle for the Greater Hackensack Mixed Foursomes (defending champions Sindy Blackwelder and Randy J Perelman III Jr) but all you can find is two hours of Colin Montgomerie talking about a Ryder Cup that is still three-quarters of a year distant. A programme that is, by its very nature, a mixture of speculation and prediction, predicated on hope.
So you go in search of golf-related displacement activities. Now, for example, would be the perfect time to service those golf shoes – remove the mud and spikes, lubricate the spike beds, replace any that are too worn and then polish or clean the shoes to a military standard of gleaming arrogance. Except, there is always one spike (why has the word ‘cleat’ never caught on over here?) that cannot be removed, even by industrial strength blasting powder and a hammer drill. Not to worry, though, the golf bag needs to be sorted, and I’m pretty sure I have some spare tees in the cupboard under the stairs, with which to top up my diminishing supplies.
That took all of 10 minutes so then, in desperation, you turn to golf magazines, and that tip you read last month about the shot you have always dreamed of mastering – the low pitch that bounces once and then pulls up sharply with backspin, as if Jenson Button had just slammed on the brakes. But of course, there’s nowhere to practice. Nevertheless, taking the wedge out of the bag and simply feeling the weight of it in your hands has increased your twitchiness, so you try a few half and three-quarter backswings in the lounge, before deciding that that rug is the perfect place from which to chip onto the settee.
You probably do not need to be reminded that this leads to only one place – marital discord – and may result in you sleeping in the spare bedroom for a few nights, and, even if you manage to avoid breakage, it is still a very poor substitute for the real thing.
The only cure is to wait for the thaw.
Colemanballs
Commentator cock-ups will always cheer the cockles of your heart – whatever a cockle is – so I thought I’d include a few of my own personal favourites from the world of golf.
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’
US PGA Championship commentator in America: ‘One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them; Oh my god! What have I just said?’
Ken Brown commentating on Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’
Peter Alliss and Alex Hay were working at an event in which Nick Faldo was playing, early in his pro career. There was a technical problem so the producer told the commentators to ‘fill’ with chat for a few minutes but unnoticed by them, the camera was zooming in on a close-up of the backside of Melanie, Faldo’s then wife.
Peter Alliss mused: ‘This has always been one of my favourite holes.’
Alex Hay replied: ‘Yes, me too – but it was considerably tighter in my day’
Quote of the week
The greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
Sam Snead